Paganism and Abuse Part 1

WARNING, STRONG LANGUAGE, DRUGS, AND SEXUAL ACTIVITY WILL BE USED:

Ever wonder about how to spot abuse? Usually if you have a thought that your relationship may be unhealthy, you are probably correct. The blog might trigger you, I will be discussing Physical, Spiritual, Mental, Emotional, Verbal and a little Sexual abuse between two separate relationships I had. This will Be put into 2 separate blogs in case you do not want to read an extensively long Blog. I would also like to point out that these actions may not seem like abuse, but in my mind part 1 of this blog set me up for further abuse in the part 2 of this blog.

Let me start at the beginning, I grew up in A pentecostal Church that thought everything from comics to cartoons was evil. I believed it for the longest time, it wasn’t until I met someone I will call Tey came along and sowed many seeds of doubt. She challenged every belief, questioned every bible story I would share. My gospel never reached this agnostic(… or was she gnostic?) friend. Between her and my first IRL boyfriend I left my church and began my pagan path. Tey and Nin became my friends freshmen year of high school, and 1 stayed friends throughout all these years.

I grew up Believing in my church and what we were doing was right. In high school I tried to kill myself finals week freshmen year. I had to go to counseling with a Christian therapist and wouldn’t take any meds they prescribed. when I was 16 I met a boy by asking everyone in the class for gum, including the teacher… He was really nice and we flirted a lot. On March 17th junior year DJ gave me a letter and walked away, it was a love letter asking me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, And I was ecstatic. Finally, my Little Mermaid Dreams would come true. I would be a Princess and we would live happily ever after. Eventually, being a raging hormonal teenager that I was we had sex and every time I went to church I cried, I begged for forgiveness for allowing sex to happen and promised God I would never do it again. EVERY SINGLE time. I even got caught in his closet by his mom and she made me call my parents to tell them what was happening. I have no idea why I continued, I guess this was my rebellion stage, we found abandoned buildings and dark corners after school. I felt so guilty and he said it was okay. Tey asked why, I asked why not.

Many things happened at once that summer, I was molested by a Sunday school teacher while playing with his kids and him at a nearby park, and once in a swimming pool. Dj’s mom basically made him move in with me since she was getting married…. so Senior year my grades suffered immensely.

Being the people pleaser that I was, I asked DJ what his fantasy was, and as a cis straight man he replied a ménage a trois with two women. I discovered I liked looking at women, I enjoyed looking at men too. I was amazed by all of it, we ended up having parties with friends over, underage drinking, and watching porn or girls gone wild. I stopped going to church 5 days a week, the 3 times a week then once a week. After graduating high school I started college and he didn’t, DJ instead found himself at my moms while I was 45 miles away in a dorm with a very butch dyke* as a roommate. This roommate took me to all the gay bars and hang out places. DJ being lonely and possessive, followed me to college, stayed in my dorm until my roommate ratted him out and lied about something. Although, no longer innocent, I still believed telling the truth was the best policy. The truth got me kicked out of the dorms and I had no idea how to get to school and back so I went back home with DJ and never returned to College. That’s two unemployed adults freeloading for too long. We both got jobs eventually and started paying rent. But that was just the preface.

Spiritual Abuse

DJ had a dad who died in his mistresses house at the tender age of 35, DJ blamed God, when I was in college he bought a car for 500 bucks – maybe more, maybe less; the radiator went out and he Blamed God. A co worker got Fired, he Blamed God… if anything went wrong it was Gods fault. That was the last straw. I had fought tooth and nail against Tey and all her challenges, but living day in and day out with a man who constantly blamed God for anything that went wrong was what broke my faith in a flawed system. He introduced me to a friend who was a druid, I was in total awe….. but after realizing he was just a normal guy who sometimes did magic, my awe vanished.

Now this might not seem like abuse, but it was, to me it was more than a crisis of faith. It was a black cloud of doubt that destroyed my very beautiful beliefs and morals. You might say, hey this is a Christian belief, isn’t it a good thing that you left that path? Let me ask you about your faith, no matter what it is, how would you take it if someone said to you day in and day out that your core belief is the reason their life is miserable? If I had never left my faith, it would’ve evolved into the compassionate and understanding Christian faith that I have seen in many of my friends.

Physical Abuse 

I grew up physically fighting my little sister. There were black eyes and bruises and possible concussions. I was very physical though I never got into a fight at school. DJ and I would fighty and argue, sometimes we’d hit each other. Eventually it escalated, I would slap him, he would choke me. . .it happened. I was as equally abusive sometimes. If I thought I was pregnant, I would ask him to punch me in the gut, or I would enrage him to hit me there. There was never physical evidence. I would sleep around, sometimes with his permission, mostly without; the anger and hurt would be plain on his face. He would start an argument, we would fight, there’d be violence. I would start a fight because at that time I had no idea how to break up with someone. When we broke up and still lived together, the fighting would be really bad, I wanted to die several times and would almost get him to choke me to unconsciousness, but never could. I was full of regret and destruction, I was spiritually lost. I had no hope in life.

Mental & Emotional Abuse

Here’s a interesting form of abuse, you may have been abused mentally and never realized it. He would tell me he loved me so much he couldn’t imagine life without me. That is an amazing compliment, except when you want to break up with that person. I was so afraid he would kill himself that I never had the strength to break up with him before the age of 19. I literally did not know how to say no to him. I had fallen in love with him in high school, but my expectations of relationships were deeply skewed due to Disney and teen fiction books. I had applied for college, somehow he had not, I did not know if he had focused his energy on me or if he just procrastinated worse then I. I was happy that I had  future, I thought he was a dream chaser, especially since he talked about being in a college band. He was always with me. I had no friends of my own without him being there with me unless they were women. My friends became his friends. We went to his family gatherings, not mine. He would throw parties and show me off, my social life consisted of whatever he wanted to do. Remember when Halo was new? I had to go to a party so he could play a game I was never interested in. I had to love the Dallas Cowboys, I had to love the Dodgers. I loved playing sports, I wanted to run on the track and field team in high school, I had to do shotput and discus because that’s what he did. I didn’t realize how much I had to do for him. I was revolving my world around him, both subconsciously and consciously. I thought that if I did what pleased him that I was making our relationship work. He would make promises, so many promises, if I get a credit card, he’d pay it. If I co-signed for a car, he’d pay for it. He convinced me that he would take care of me, we weren’t partners, we weren’t equals. Every time I wanted to break up with him, he would tell me that things would be better. After I dropped out of college, he convinced me that if we got married things would get better. Things did not get better.

Verbal & Sexual Abuse

I know it’d be easier to understand these separately and normally I would, but they play into each other. When I first met DJ I was completely innocent, I had not seen porn, with the exception of a heavily edited hentai at the age of 10. I thought I was straight and only interested in one man. My dream was a blond-haired, blue-eyed actor who was popular at the time. The idea of multiple partners or female partners never occurred to me. I tell you this not because of the abuse, but because when a child/teen starts to discover their sexuality and what they like it can become a dangerous path that may lead to abuse. DJ was only 6 months older then me and was a virgin, but unlike me he had plenty of porn magazines, possibly had seen porn videos. We started being a couple in March, there was a lot of kissing and heavy petting, I wanted to marry a virgin. That was an important aspect to my upbringing and the patriarchal society we live in now. I can’t tell you when I lost my virginity, maybe May or June. He told me his fantasy was to have a 3 some with 2 chicks, He offered me porn to look at. I began to discover I was not in fact straight. I thought I was Bisexual, that was the options I had. I favored the company of both men and women, I did what he wanted. We rented a room and I got to be naked in the room. When we got our own apartment I was so happy to be naked all the time, or wearing sexy things. The major problem was that I had no idea I was Bipolar, I craved attention all the time, It was frustrating to be around him and not immediately get sex when I wanted it. He encouraged me sleeping with other women but only women, No men. This was a difficult task since I did not know many women interested in me, just men. Lots of men are interested in women who are under the age of 22. It is scary how many times men hit on me when he was not around me, some still hit on me when he was around, and he gave them the look of death, he would grip me closer.

There was a woman we had gone to High school with, she was a lesbian and had been with one girl for a long time. We came across her and she had no place to stay, so I said stay she could stay with us. She was sleeping around with a lot of men, she took me with her one time and there were 2 guys. They lived down the street and one of them tried to seduce me, I almost was seduced, but he lived down the street and that was dangewrous around DJ. I said no, I felt Violated, and the no was too loud. My friend said I embarrassed her, I went home and told DJ, he was furious. Instead of letting me deal with what I had just went through, both DJ & this former high school co-student ganged up on me and even though I did not want to have sex I found myself having sex with both her and DJ. To this day, I couldn’t tell you if I was raped or if I wanted to have a 3 some with them. There were times where I would sleep around, tell him and then he would call me names and have sex with me, because I was his. No condom because I belonged to him.

At one point we decided to have an open relationship, he could fuck whoever and so could I, he decided to fuck a woman 20 years his senior. I was disgusted, I decided to fuck anyone. Boy, did he get angry, so much fighting, so much violence, so much belittling and name calling. Whore, slut, bitch; I constantly heard these things, making me fall further down the tunnel of dangerous activity. I remember sleeping with someone to get money for Christmas presents. I was still trying to Please DJ while trying to escape him simultaneously. He wouldn’t let me go, he would say he’d kill himself before letting me go, his life wasn’t worth it without me. God, I feel like puking remembering this stuff. I was never medicated or under therapy when we were together, neither was he. I needed attention constantly, sex, things, cuddling, it didn’t matter. But it was never enough, we would end up fighting, on my 21st birthday we went to Dave and Busters but had no money to spend, I was so angry, we almost punched each other in public. We went home where he proceeded to fuck me without getting me ready. The violence was never in public unless it was me slapping him.

 

During my relationship with DJ I became an Alcoholic, I drank Malibu everyday for 30 days straight, I was so miserable. I would have my cousin or a friend cover for me while I slept around trying to fill the void in my soul. I quit drinking when he pointed out that I was an alcoholic. My Bi Polar let me explore my sexuality dangerously, having sex with multiple partners during our relationship. I would lie so well, I almost believed it myself. It was a dangerous game of “If he catches me will he break up with me or Kill me?” Either would be a relief. I wanted to die. Or I wanted one of my male suitors to take me away from the situation that was my life. When he finally did discover my cheating, we argued, I told him the truth, and I told him I wanted to break up with him. It was never enough, he wouldn’t allow me to leave. No, it wasn’t until he found someone else to replace me that he dropped me off at my moms Friday Memorial weekend  (4 years after highschool and 5 years after we became a couple) that it became an actual break up. H came back Monday when he was supposed to pick me up and dropped off my stuff that he and this new woman had packed. There was a sweatshirt that a guy had given me, they wrote SLUT, WHORE and BITCH on it. I was absolutely devastated, DJ and I had finally agreed on breaking up, but we were supposed to live together until the lease was up. He made the decision to throw me out like trash, he tried to “win” me back 6 months later, I had learned from that relationship that any promise he made, no matter how sincere was not true.

These are my memories, but memories are not always true to events, I will always doubt the memories with him.