Self Care

What now? What about the people? As for the abusers and boundary breakers? They can choose to stop the behavior. They absolutely can and then they can come back. They need to apologize for what they did, make big observable changes to their behavior. You however? The person who was hurt? Does not have to accept the apology and be around them. Ever. Ever. Ever. You do not owe anyone your time or your energy. If a leader pushes you to meet with someone that hurt you that leader is most likely in the wrong and not to be trusted […]

The Missing Stair

tw: abuse, apathy, gas lighting   Missing stairs and leaders You all know someone who is a ‘missing stair’. It’s the person who gets handsy after a few drinks or the one who gets mean and abusive but doesn’t mean it. It’s the one that you know to avoid when they get like that and you warn other people about it but no one actually does anything about the problem person. The insidious part of it is that anyone who complains about that person gets victim-blamed that you should know known better (whether or not you actually knew it was […]

Definition of a thing

tw: discussion of sexual consent, gaslighting, rape culture Gaslighting gets tossed around a lot and you probably know what it is or have inferred it. Here is how I define it – you doubt your own lived experience to the point where you question reality and in more extreme cases, your sanity. It actually comes from a stage play that was made into a movie with Ingrid Bergman, if you want a popular culture touchpoint.  Often times a low harm version of gaslighting is practical jokes like changing out someone’s pants for a smaller or larger size to convince them […]

When it happens to you

tw:sexual assault, rape culture Again, warning: Practice self care. This happened to me. Not someone I know. Not a friend of a friend. I am not, nor will I name names because that is not the point of this. I was, as per my usual, working a con. I was on duty and is often times the norm in that culture, when a hug is offered you tend to accept. Standing in the hallway near a function room a male-identified person (X) that I knew well enough on sight to nod to (it was a small-ish con of a couple […]

Dubious consent and gaslighting

tw:assault, dubious consent, gaslighting I’m putting the warnings right up top. Practice self-care. Next, this is not a story that happened to a friend of a friend. This happened to people I know. I was there. It was involved. I am not, nor will I name names because that is not the point of this. Several years ago I was working an event and two of my staff got into a conflict. They were both on duty, it was in the event space and one of them had a duty radio on them. The male identified person(A) made a pass […]